Want Carolyn Hax delivered to your inbox for free on weekdays? Sign up for our Coffee Break newsletter here.ĭEAR CAROLYN: I have a set of couple friends who are getting a divorce. Please do not feel guilty about standing your ground on this. You can’t make them do anything, of course, but you can choose not to be available to be dumped on. People can choose when they talk and what they say, but they can’t decide who sticks around to hear it that’s up to the other person. These two entitlements do appear to be in conflict: They can’t talk it out with you if you won’t talk it out with them, so by that math one of you will have to deny what the other wants.īoundary math, though, says otherwise. Just as they are entitled to talk things out as they feel they need to, you are entitled to stay as far out of the conversation as you feel you need to. Is it OK for me to simply opt out and decline to talk about it when they call and want to discuss all this old stuff?ĭEAR DREDGING: Yes, it is OK for you to opt out. I don’t enjoy dredging up the bad things that happened decades ago. I just find these talks exhausting and depressing. My problem is that my mom and one of my siblings have recently begun dredging up the past, saying it’s important we all talk through it to heal. I don’t anticipate us ever being as close as some families, but I can call them and talk to them and tell them honestly that I love them. I’ve been to counseling and now have what I would describe as an OK relationship with my siblings and parents. DEAR CAROLYN: I had a fairly unhappy childhood, thanks to issues in our family involving mental illness and emotional abuse.
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